


The Annals of Disgrace

by aquarius_galuxy



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Abuse, Angst, CLAMPkink, Humiliation, M/M, full warnings at start of fic, heavy dub-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-18 18:55:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11880717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aquarius_galuxy/pseuds/aquarius_galuxy
Summary: Fai wants punishment for all he has done. To keep him from seeking faceless hands on the streets, Kurogane picks up the mantle.This is not a gentle fic.Read with caution.





	The Annals of Disgrace

**Author's Note:**

> Written for clampkink months back. I'd had no idea how to end this until recently. Then it ballooned from 4k to 18k :P
> 
>  **Warnings:** dubcon, abuse, self-harm, self-esteem issues, self-loathing, violence, humiliation, discussions on death/abandonment

It's in a world where the alleys are cramped and the narrow buildings loom around him, that Fai wanders. He slips into the forgotten shadows in alleys thrice as wide as his shoulders, looks up at black fire escapes glinting coldly in the moonlight, and breathes in the chilly air, trailing his fingertips along rough brick. This, at least, is a place where he belongs.

He shouldn't have tried jokes with the children. He shouldn't have said they're all a tiny animal family, Sakura his daughter and Syaoran his son, because then the princess wouldn't have asked if he had a family in another world, and _what relatives do you have, Fai?_

Fai had a family. Fai had one person left in his family, the person he knew better than himself, and he'd gone and fucking murdered him, is what he did.

So, yes, Fai had a family. He doesn't deserve another one, doesn't want to live in this body. He wants to be someone other than Fai D. Fluorite, and he wants to forget the blood and screams and his brother's fading blue eyes.

Fai wanders.

He turns into dark alleys, following beer trails and empty brown bottles on the ground. He thinks about the drugs in this world, the whispers promising to help him forget. He doesn't know if he should trust them. He doesn't want to be trapped in another endless hallucination of Fai dying over and over, so he weaves through the alleys, stepping gingerly over slumped, unconscious people, and skirting more in the shadows.

Someone falls into step behind him, one building away. He makes a left, and the person makes a left. He makes another left. The person follows. Fai pods on for three blocks until he meets a dead end, one of those with tall wooden fences standing like soldiers sealing off his escape, and he takes a deep breath, looking at gaping trash cans and sticky puddles to the side.

He can scale the fence easily. He could take down this person if he wanted. But Fai wants to forget, and the easiest way to do so is to let someone else help.

He sees the hand darting out five seconds before it hits. He quells his instincts, holds his limbs down, and lets the coarse palm catch his nape, slam him against a wall. Gray brick bites into his cheek, sharper against his cheek than his fingertips. He hisses. It's a broad, heavy palm against him, probably connected to a broad, heavy man, and Fai stops thinking. He focuses on the squeeze of thick fingers against his throat, and it's good.

Fat hands catch his wrists, pin them painfully to his back. A sharp blade nicks the skin of his throat, its bite itchy.

"Don't you fucking scream," the man says, his breath heavy with alcohol, and Fai nods. He's not going to scream.

It happens quickly. He doesn't expect it to take long, with these drunk types. Sweaty fingers grope over his ass, shoddy in their precision, and the man hooks his fingers into Fai's waistband, tugs it roughly down.

"Pretty boy," he snarls.

Cool air brushes over Fai's skin. He knows what this is like, picking up strangers on the streets. He doesn't know what this man will do, though, doesn't know if it'll be painful or good or anything, so he waits. His pants and underwear slip down to his knees, then his ankles, leaving his legs bare. His skin prickles. That same hand squeezes him callously, thick fingers shoving between his cheeks, an invasive presence spreading him apart. Fai gasps.

Maybe he should be less surprised at the man's presence. Maybe he should be more prepared when the hand disappears, and the man spits. The man yanks his hips backward, kicks his legs apart, and Fai yields when the man bends him forward, one hand on his back. He can do this. If nothing else goes right, he can be this man's toy, and succeed at it.

The man cracks a hand down on his ass, sending pain bursting through his flesh. Fai cries out.

"Shut your mouth," the man hisses, slapping him again. Heat throbs through his skin, stinging. He concentrates on it, lets himself be pulled backward, until something blunt and wet pushes between his cheeks, nudging at his hole. He has a moment to think that maybe he doesn't want this. The cock shoves at him, insistent, grinding.

Fai lets it in. It's an invasive shape inside him, digging in, uncomfortable for how little lubrication there is. The man groans. He shoves in harder, and Fai gasps, gritting his teeth, his face dragging roughly against brick.

He deserves worse than this for what he's done, so he wriggles. The man spanks him hard, fucks right into him, and he gasps, his flesh aching. Curiously enough, his body reacts. He swells up, and the man thrusts into him, in and out. It doesn't feel good. Fai's cock rises, betraying him, and his throat tightens with need.

"Filthy slut," the man growls. Fai agrees. He is worthless. He needs to pay for the things he's done somehow, and this is a good way to do so. He should pay with death instead, but death is too easy a punishment for him. The man comes inside him, pulls out and away. He slaps Fai's ass again, slides dirty fingers into his hair and tugs his head back. In that moment, Fai is helpless, taut and fragile, and the man whispers in his ear, "You're only good for your holes."

He leaves.

Fai sinks against the wall, his breathing shallow, his hand slipping down between his legs, stroking the stiffness out of himself. Wetness leaks down the inside of his thigh, warm and sticky, and he feels slightly better. He deserves this.

When he returns to the apartment, the lights are off. His guilt isn't as daunting a weight on his shoulders anymore.

 

 

 

Kurogane is suspicious. The wizard slips out at night, thinking he doesn't notice, but he does. Fai disappears for hours at a time, and when he returns to their temporary shelter, he looks like hell. Fai doesn't smell like he's been drinking much. Rather, he carries a whiff of muck and grime, like sweat, and Kurogane prickles with unease. He doesn't need the wizard catching ill and spreading it to the kids.

So he follows Fai out one night. Fai catches on to his tailing. It's in the way he cocks his head slightly, listening even when Kurogane's three blocks away. He knows there's someone behind him. He doesn't know who, though.

Kurogane slips into an alley, following the wizard. All he intends is to watch, to see that the idiot doesn't get himself into trouble. Halfway between the three blocks between them, someone steps in. The person follows Fai as Kurogane does, never once looking behind him, unlike Fai. Kurogane narrows his eyes. He treads a little closer, sees the way Fai perks up, the way his shoulders grow tense.

Fai steps into a dead end, and Kurogane stands back, hoping that the idiot will at least defend himself.

Instead, Kurogane stares as Fai waits, and lets his pursuer step up close, lets the man haul him against the wall, shove hands up his shirt, down his pants. For several shocked seconds, Kurogane stares, evaluating and reevaluating. Is this someone the wizard meets in secret? Is this a tryst? He feels shame coil through his gut, suddenly, watching this.

The burly man slams Fai against the wall, and Fai yelps in pain. He shoves Fai's pants off, and Fai's legs are long and thin in the shadows, his ass bony.

Kurogane's moving forward even as the man reaches for his own dick, spitting in his palm, stroking it to hardness. Fai doesn't even struggle. He leans against the wall, waiting, and Kurogane doesn't understand why the idiot would do this, why he has to let himself fall prey to monsters and men and—

He yanks the man away from Fai, punches him clean in the nose. The man swears, stumbling away.  
  
Fai turns. Kurogane meets his eyes, expecting gratitude.  
  
Instead, the wizard looks at him, his eyes shadowed—in shame, maybe—frustration thinning his lips. He spares his assailant a glance. "What are you doing here?" he mutters. "Leave me alone."

Kurogane can't do that. Someone has to look out for the kids. Fai prepares their food, and Kurogane doesn't want filth in the things they eat. "What do you think you're doing?" Kurogane asks. "Seeing bastards like that?"

Fai looks away, hitches his pants up, and Kurogane glimpses a hint of flushed, hard flesh. He doesn't register that it's an erection until long moments later. Fai is aroused. Fai is aroused by someone assaulting him. Fai wanted to be attacked, waited for it. Just like he waited for his death, and let himself die back in Outo.

"You're getting off on this," Kurogane blurts. Who the fuck does that?

"This is none of your business," Fai says, his voice bitter-sharp, his eyes glinting blue slits. He turns and stalks away, shoes clicking on the grubby alley floor. He's heading away from Kurogane, away from the dingy apartment they're staying at, and Kurogane follows him, his mind churning.

Fai ducks into deeper alleyways, skirting past more people slumped on the ground, their eyes gleaming as Kurogane follows the wizard past them. He's not going back, Kurogane realizes. He's searching for more. He wants to be assaulted.

 _How? Why are you doing this to yourself?_ But all he gets is the narrow stretch of Fai's back, the click of his shoes, and Kurogane realizes that he can't stop Fai from doing this, from seeking out harm because of some stupid idea in his head. He can't lock the wizard up, can't stop Fai from needing to be thrown against walls, and fucked by men he doesn't even know.

Kurogane hooks his hand in Fai's elbow, spins him around, and flings him against the wall. Fai thumps hard against brick, hands thrown out so he doesn't smash his face. He doesn't cry out, doesn't turn and call Kurogane any of those stupid names. Kurogane's skin prickles.

He stalks up to the wizard anyway, flattens one hand against his back, and leans in to growl in his ear, "This is what you want?"

Fai's breath hitches. Kurogane drags his knuckles down the wizard's spine, to where his pants barely cling to his hips. He pushes those clothes down, exposing the smooth curves of his cheeks, and Fai sucks in a sharp, quivering breath.

When Kurogane reaches around to make sure he's read the wizard right, he finds Fai's cock pushing hard into his hand, a smear of damp on his tip. Fai's breath stutters in the silence around them.

"The hell," Kurogane says.

Fai ducks his head, pushing away from the wall. He heads for the mouth of the alley. He turns down the street, into another alley further away from their apartment, and Kurogane jogs to catch up with him. There, he snags Fai's arm and spins him around, trying to meet his eyes. Fai can't look at him. His mouth pulls down, a thin line of regret, and Kurogane still feels the imprint of his cock against his palm.

"I'll fuck you," Kurogane says, pulling him close. He presses his mouth against Fai's ear. "If I fuck you, are you gonna stop this?"

Fai's shoulders twitch. He looks away, his eyes dull, and Kurogane understands a fragment of this.

Fai's not looking for sex. He's looking to be treated like a thing, like something a person uses and discards. It's why he's looking for these men on the streets. And Kurogane can do that, if it means the idiot will be safe another day.

He shoves Fai into a wall, shoves his hand down Fai's pants, and Fai is hard against him in _seconds._

 _What the fuck,_ Kurogane thinks, but he's turning Fai around, pushing Fai's chest against the wall and cupping his ass. He slips his fingers into Fai's soft hair, pulls hard on it. Fai's breathing stumbles. His cock smears wet on Kurogane's hand. When Kurogane tries a word— _slut_ —Fai shudders against him.

He isn't ready to fuck Fai, not like this. Instead, Kurogane spits on his fingers, pushing them into Fai's ass. Fai clenches around him, gasping, his nails scraping down the brick wall. Kurogane reaches down and takes Fai in hand, saying things he doesn't mean. "Damn worthless slut," he growls in Fai's ear. Fai trembles, and he's shaking hard against Kurogane's chest. "You just like being used. I'll fuck you like the trash you are."

Fai comes with a gasp and a silent cry, trembling, his nails breaking against the wall, and Kurogane doesn't know why this, why this man, why any of this.

He pulls away from Fai, wipes his fingers off, and returns to the apartment to wait. It feels like ten hours of seconds ticking by.

The wizard comes in shortly after, locks himself into the bathroom, and Kurogane doesn't know if he wants to count it as a good deed done.

 

 

 

Fai doesn't know how all this transpired. Kurogane finds him in the alleys once, on a cloudy night with the air hot and sticky. The next time he tries to slip out, Kurogane's by his side at the front door, throwing him back against the wall, and blood surges straight to his groin. He doesn't even have time to think about it.

Shadows stretch through the apartment. Kurogane crowds him against the wall, cups between Fai's legs and squeezes, and Fai rocks into his hand, shocked silent. He doesn't know why Kurogane's doing this. Why Kurogane will bother. But he knows he's annoyed the warrior enough in the day for his patience to snap, and maybe that's why Kurogane calls him those names.

"Whore," Kurogane whispers in his ear, squeezing his cock. "I touch you here and you're hard."

He's right. Fai whimpers, knowing he deserves this. It feels like a relief to have someone acknowledge him by these names. To have someone punish him for the things he's done, because he isn't punishing himself enough.

"You'll let any damn bastard fuck you," Kurogane mutters. He grinds the heel of his palm against Fai's cock, rubbing him through his pants, and it sends pleasure humming through his body. Fai jerks up into his hand, sensitive, needing more. And Kurogane yanks his pants down. Fai's cock springs up, pointing right at Kurogane, shameless, and Fai doesn't want to look how it betrays him. His clothes hitch around his thigh.

Kurogane slaps his cock down. It bounces back, and Kurogane smacks it again, like a parent punishing a small child, sharp and vicious. Fai hisses. Sharp, spiking pleasure hisses through his nerves, and his cock stands shamelessly like he does, pleasure tingling through it when Kurogane whacks it over and over.

"You like this," Kurogane hisses. He turns Fai around, pushes him stumbling into the bedroom they share. Fai's cock bobs with each step.

The door locks. It shouldn't send a thrill up his spine, but it does.

He trips when Kurogane shoves him forward. He throws his hands out, lands on the mattress face first, his buckling knees hitting the side of the bed. It's not humiliating enough. His pants stretch around his thighs, and Fai lets his bare ass remain pushing up in the air, held up, waiting for punishment. It's what Kurogane wants, isn't it? He's found someone with holes to slake his lust, and Fai needs to be hurt. It's the only way he can escape this guilt. Why else would Kurogane lock the door?

Just to be sure, Fai murmurs, throaty and taunting, "You can be a real man in here, Kuro-tan. You don't have to pretend to hate those nicknames, barking like a dog."

Kurogane doesn't answer. For a long time, his silence echoes through the room, and Fai wonders if he's done the wrong thing. He pushes himself up, thinking he should try the alleys again. He shouldn't have embarrassed himself if Kurogane's not going to hurt him for it.

And that's when Kurogane bears down on him, one hand planted between Fai's shoulders. He forces Fai down against the bed, face buried in the mattress, and he can't move.

It makes his cock throb.

Kurogane brings one palm down on his ass. Pain cracks through his bare flesh, and Fai jerks. His cock pushes straight at the bed, thick and needy, and before the pain dissipates, Kurogane's palm cracks across his body again. He gasps.

"Say that again," Kurogane growls.

"Is that your way of saying you like me?" Fai croons, sickeningly sweet. Kurogane's answer is a sharp slap across his ass, more vicious than before. Fai groans.

"Damn you."

Kurogane drops onto the bed, shoving a folded leg into the space between Fai's hips and the mattress, and Fai's sensitive tip grinds right along the curve of his solid thigh, dragging on rough fabric. Pleasure twists with pain into his flesh, a stab of sensation, and Fai hisses. His cock drips onto Kurogane's trousers, leaving a trail of slick.

Kurogane cracks his palm down again, and Fai jerks forward, cock pushing against Kurogane's thigh, betraying his arousal, and Kurogane sets a heavy, hot palm on the back of his leg, pushes his pants clean off so they pool around his ankles. The still air of the room brushes down his thighs.

"You aren't even wearing underwear."

He didn't intend to. Fai ducks his head. Underwear will only hinder his motives, and he needs someone punishing him bodily, shoving into him, not some fucking shorts to cover his undeserving ass. And so Fai lowers his hips to Kurogane's leg, seeking more pressure, and Kurogane's palm lands hard enough that his back arches, and the head of his cock smashes against Kurogane's thigh.

Fai cries out, shocked, pleasured, and he can only think about the burn of his skin, the throbbing of his body, the way he's stretched out on the bed, at Kurogane's mercy.

"Didn't think you were a slut," Kurogane mutters. Fai flushes all the way to his hairline, his gut wrenching. He doesn't deserve Kurogane's respect; he should have already known that. And this will cleanse the dregs of any respect Kurogane holds for him. He'll look at Fai like Fai's the scum on his boots, and isn't that what Fai wants? He deserves it.

It makes his gut twist, and his cock leaks onto Kurogane's leg.

"How many people fucked your ass?"

Five recently, but he doesn't want to give his answer this easily. Fai shrugs, ducking his head, shaking his hips as though it's a taunt.

Large, callused fingers grab one side of his ass, digging into his cleft and spreading him open, and Fai shudders. Cool air brushes over his hole.

"Answer me." Kurogane's palm lands on the tender, stinging flesh of his ass, where his skin hums with a low, unyielding sort of pain. Fai gasps. Kurogane pinches his cheek, twisting, and Fai gasps. "Fucking talk, damn you."

His next slap rocks Fai forward, his entire body vibrating with the force of it.

"Or you just wanna lie here and take this? Better than people fucking you in the alley?" Kurogane shoves a hand into his hair, yanking his head back, and Fai shudders, his throat arched up and exposed. "Answer me," Kurogane hisses.

His palm sears against Fai's ass. Fai groans, guilt unfurling through his gut.

And Kurogane leans in, his hot breath puffing on Fai's ear. "You just want to be a slut," he whispers. "You want me to rape your ass."

Fai whines. He does. This is far more humiliating than in the alleyways, when he respects Kurogane, when he has always wanted Kurogane to think well of him. Kurogane will never look at him with any sort of respect now, and it sends a knife twisting into his heart. Kurogane has seen him beyond his worst. Kurogane calls him the names he deserves, and it makes Fai sob, makes him tremble with one part fear, and two parts shame. And his cock still leaks. "Please," he hisses, rocking his hips. "Please."

"How many people did you fuck?" Kurogane slides a finger down his hole, rubbing over it, just enough to show Fai he's there, that he has all the control, and Fai's body is his to use. Fai trembles. He wants Kurogane inside him. Using him like he deserves to be. "Answer me."

Kurogane's palm burns into his skin, sharp and loud, and maybe the walls aren't thick enough for this. Fai digs his nails into the sheets. Kurogane pushes a hand under him. His fingers curl around Fai's cock, hot and careless, dragging over his tip. Fai chokes on his moan.

"You're getting off on this."

Kurogane tugs hard on him, squeezing, and Fai thrusts into his hand, needing more, needing to come. Kurogane shoves him off his leg. Fai sprawls across the mattress, stunned, and Kurogane straddles him from behind, drags him up by his underarms. Fai's cock skims over the sheets, leaving a trail of wet, and Kurogane pulls his thighs open.

Large fingers slip between his cheeks, probing his hole, and Fai groans. He pushes his hips up, his cock flushed and hard, and he's so empty inside.

Kurogane pushes down on his back, pinning his shoulders to the bed, and Kurogane's hips fit against his bare ass, clothed and warm. His teeth scrape along the shell of Fai's ear. Fai grinds back, feels an answering hardness press against him. Kurogane enjoys this? He hasn't thought.... hasn't imagined Kurogane would want to fuck him, too.

"Answer me, bitch," Kurogane snarls, rocking his hips against Fai's, and Fai buries his face in the mattress, hiding the hot flush of his cheeks. Kurogane pulls his hand off. He lifts his hips away, and when he touches Fai's ass again, it's with a thick cock, blunt and hard, far bigger than his own.

Fai trembles.

Kurgane pushes it between his cheeks. It spreads his flesh open, sliding all the way against his hole, intruding and thick, and Fai cants his hips up, rubbing against it.

"Tell me how many," Kurogane growls. He slips an arm around Fai's hips, keeps him trapped as he grinds his cock against Fai's hole, and Fai whimpers, unable to move away, his hole at Kurogane's mercy now. It shouldn't shock him to know how dry his throat is, just thinking about Kurogane's cock inside him, splitting him apart, claiming and filling him, invading his body.

"Five," he hisses.

"Since we got here?" Kurogane reaches down for his cock, slowly stroking it after the abuse he's put it through, and Fai can't hold his moan back.

Kurogane releases him. Fai tenses, anticipating a slap, but Kurogane leans heavily forward, reaching for something. Plastic snaps. Kurogane pulls away.

When he returns, Fai feels a wet, cool touch against his ass, blunt and thick, and he gasps.

Kurogane pushes two fingers into him, cool and slick. It's surprising, because Fai had expected him to go in dry. "You won't go back," Kurogane says, rocking his cock against Fai's ass. Maybe he's too big to fit in. Maybe Kurogane will break him.

It makes him shiver, just thinking about Kurogane ruining him. "No, I won't," Fai says, because it sounds like Kurogane's making a deal with him, cock sandwiched between his cheeks, a thick presence that Fai can't ignore, that he won't stop. And if agreeing will keep Kurogane humiliating him, then Fai will gladly give him the sharpest knives. He rocks his hips up, and Kurogane pushes in.

Kurogane stretches him open, and he's thick, bigger than the other men Fai's met in the alleys. It makes Fai shudder, nails digging in the sheets, just feeling his body stretch around him, and then he's all the way inside, moving, and Fai's leaking and panting and Kurogane's grabbing his cock, squeezing him tight.

Fai shudders and gasps, trying to breathe when Kurogane slides inside him, and he can't think anymore, when this feels like what he's been looking for all along.

Kurogane slides his fingers through Fai's hair, pulling his head back. "Take my cock," he growls in Fai's ear, hips snapping forward, fucking Fai into the bed, and it feels like he's taking what he wants of Fai's body, plunging into his ass. "Fucking take it, you slut."

It pushes Fai over the edge, slams a wave of pleasure over him, and Fai's coming and coming and he can't even think, when his body tenses and he spills, and Kurogane's still inside him, his cock a blissful, strange presence inside Fai. He rocks in harder, faster, and Fai jerks forward in bed like a rag doll, Kurogane using his body to sate his desire.

When Kurogane comes, it's silent, and Fai feels the pulse of his cock, the way he empties inside, his fingers clenched tight around Fai's hips, holding him down.

Fai shivers and takes his come, his body willing, and Kurogane slides out of him half a minute later, his breathing unsteady.

"Clean yourself up," Kurogane mutters, turning away.

He steps outside to the bathroom, and Fai collapses against the mattress, his limbs boneless. He pulls his pants up around his hips, the fabric strange and scratchy, and slippery fluid leaks from his ass.

He crawls into the bed, not bothering with cleaning himself, and when Kurogane returns to the room ten minutes later, Fai pretends to be asleep. Kurogane lies still in bed for an hour. In that time, Fai listens to him breathe, his body aching, and it feels like a different kind of punishment, keeping the two feet of mattress between them.

When Kurogane finally falls asleep, his breathing evening out, Fai relaxes. He pulls himself out of bed, dragging his feet to the bathroom.

And under the cool fluorescent lights, he finds the bruises on his body: on his hips, his rear, the hard grips on his arms, and it feels like a bit more of a punishment.

He smiles thinly to himself, and washes his hands. The same will happen tomorrow.

 

 

 

Kurogane doesn't know what the hell the idiot wants. It's not right, and it's not healthy, and it sure as hell makes him uneasy, when Fai moans and squirms beneath him, growing rock-hard the moment Kurogane yanks on his hair, or calls him names. He doesn't deserve to be called _bitch,_ or _slut,_ but if Kurogane doesn't do it, Fai will leave.

He's never seen anyone like Fai, who gets off on being humiliated. It's damn weird. He doesn't want to do this, not every night, and especially not with the kids sleeping in the next room. This wasn't what Kurogane was brought up on. Not squeezing Fai's cock, whispering in his ear how nasty he is, not pushing in, whether Fai says he wants it or not. (He wants it. He just pretends he doesn't.)

For the past week, Kurogane's been experimenting with the idiot, trying to ease him into kindness, trying not to slap him quite so hard, or use those names. But each time he holds back, Fai stills, glancing at the door, and it's only when Kurogane cracks his palm on Fai's ass that Fai buries his face in the mattress, staying put.

Whenever Fai comes these days, he sags into the bed, tucking his face away from Kurogane's. Kurogane doesn't know what the hell's going on in his mind. But come the morning, during breakfast, Fai's all smiles again, serving the kids pancakes with stupid cheery smiles.

Gods, the kids.

Sometimes, Kurogane wonders if they overhear. He keeps the taunts quiet, but the spanking is loud either way, and sometimes Fai cries out from pain, or pleasure, or both, and Kurogane doesn't know what the kids think. What the white thing thinks. The kids are sixteen. Not old enough to understand the mess he and Fai have mired themselves in.

Hell, Kurogane doesn't know what _he's_ got himself into. Because Fai doesn't deserve any of what Kurogane deals. He's a good man—Kurogane knows that. But Fai doesn't see that in himself—why else would he crave those insults, the beatings? And Kurogane doesn't know how to make him see the person he is, when Fai keeps running, keeps glancing over his shoulder like his ghosts are on his heels.

So he spends the nights with Fai, leaving bruises on Fai's body, tracking the ones that turn yellow, and the ones that fade away. He's careful not to break Fai's bones, careful to hit him where there are no critical organs, and Kurogane doubts Fai even notices the kindness he tries to slip in.

Of course, the kids have to step into the room one day.

 

 

 

He makes sure to keep it quiet, away from the kids. Kurogane doesn't think the kids need to see this, this destruction of the mage they know. Fai's a good man. He keeps the kids' spirits up, and he's soft comfort to Kurogane's tough love.

Over the next weeks, Kurogane figures out the things that get Fai off—different names, different ways of pulling his hair, different holds on his body. Fai likes being lashed, likes Kurogane ignoring his pleas, likes his legs shoved apart, like he's a worthless slave to be used. He likes when Kurogane slaps his face, loves it when Kurogane spreads his own legs and shoves Fai's face between them, makes Fai lick his hole. Fai will moan against his skin, his breath puffing damp and warm, and the sight of him, lips stretched around Kurogane's balls, makes Kurogane hard.

He shouldn't even be hard at any of this, but somehow he is. And Kurogane doesn't know what it means, when he's getting off on treating Fai like shit. He didn't intend for it to happen. He doesn't think of Fai as his slave. But Fai pants and squirms and spreads his hole open, his pupils blown wide, and no one has ever needed Kurogane like Fai does.

So he makes Fai kneel, grabs blond hair and tugs, and Fai's face plants straight into Kurogane's crotch, his own cock growing hard in three seconds flat.

"Suck it," Kurogane growls, shoving his cock against Fai's mouth, the way Fai likes it. Fai parts his lips, his eyes fluttering shut, and Kurogane rubs his cock over Fai's face, smearing precome on his cheeks, over his lips, leaving his imprint on this man. And Fai laps at him, his lips bitten red, and Kurogane pushes the blunt tip of his cock between Fai's lips, grabs Fai's hair, and rocks his hips, fucking Fai's mouth the way Fai likes it: brutally.

And the door opens.

He freezes mid-thrust, but the kids pause in the doorway, their mouths falling open, Mokona's ears drooping. Fai's cheeks flushes a deep red, and he's not looking at the kids at all, his shoulders taut.

So maybe he was okay with Kurogane seeing him like this. But he's not okay with losing the kids' respect, and guilt winds through Kurogane's insides, drawing tight like a noose. He should've locked the door.

"Come back later," Kurogane snaps, glaring.

The kids freeze, their eyes flickering between Fai and Kurogane. Kurogane sees the hint of betrayal in their eyes, like _he's_ disappointed them by fucking Fai's face. When Fai wanted this.

Kurogane scowls, and it takes a while for his cock to harden back up. He's not into this at all, suddenly. Doesn't know if he's just wrecked his and Fai's standing with the kids. Maybe the kids think he's mistreating Fai. Maybe they think this is normal. Either way, something has changed, and Kurogane hates it.

Fai shuffles, glancing at the door again, like he's prepared to leave. Kurogane abhors the thought of him returning to those alleys, so he swears, slapping Fai on the cheek.

Fai gasps, gaze focusing on Kurogane's hand, his cock straining, and Kurogane sees a solution.

He kneels on the floor in front of Fai. Takes Fai's chin in hand. Then he slaps Fai on the face, and Fai gasps, a soft moan falling from his lips.

"They saw you," Kurogane mutters, reaching down to grab Fai's cock. "They saw what a slut you are."

Fai trembles, his cheeks darkening, unable to meet Kurogane's eyes. But his cock strains in Kurogane's hand, thick and dripping, and Kurogane wonders how he can live like this, full of self-hatred and shame.

"You don't deserve to come," Kurogane whispers, holding his cock. Then he slaps Fai's cheek again, and Fai whimpers, his hips jerking, his cock sliding weakly in Kurogane's grasp, as though it wants release anyway.

Kurogane doesn't give it to him. He slaps Fai, over and over, until Fai's cheeks are pink. Then he slaps Fai on the thighs, on his sides, until there's handprints on his torso and his legs, and Fai's panting, a pool of precome on the floor between them.

Kurogane's lost track of how long he spends kneeling, but his knees are killing him. Then he leans in, digging the tip of his finger right against that sensitive spot, under Fai's head, and Fai shakes, his cock a dark red, his balls pulled up tight.

"You don't deserve any of this. Not my respect. Not my concern," Kurogane whispers in his ear, and Fai comes so hard it shoots up Kurogane's forearm, spurting onto his palm, thick drops of semen smearing over his fingers.

Fai trembles, and for a long time, he's gasping, panting, tears welling in his eyes.

 _You really think that,_ Kurogane thinks, his chest aching. _Why the fuck would you?_

He doesn't know what he should do. If he offers comfort, will Fai leave? Will he return to the alleys, seek some other form of punishment? Or will Fai stay, and let himself be loved?

Kurogane wishes he had the right answers, sometimes. But they aren't going to come from Fai, and no one's going to tell him the outcomes of his decisions.

He chooses the middle ground this time. Instead of holding Fai, or kissing him, Kurogane wipes the come off his cock. Then he tucks Fai back into his pants, zips him up, and dumps his shirt over his head, to give him some privacy.

Then he pulls his own clothes back, closes the door behind himself, and goes to look for the kids.

He finds them at the kitchen table, their eyes wary when they look up at him. He swallows. Things between him and Fai... it's complicated. He can't even begin to explain them to the kids, because it's not their business. It's what Fai wants, and why Fai wants things like that, Kurogane doesn't know, even if he has a few suspicions.

"About the idiot," he begins, heat creeping up his cheeks. Violence or no, the kids still caught him with his pants down. "Tell him to take care of himself, okay? He won't listen to me."

The kids stare at him, Syaoran horrified, Sakura worried. Mokona's eyes scrunch up, and she looks disappointed either way. But they nod, and Kurogane leaves the kitchen, the weight on his chest easing ever so slightly. He still doesn't know how to solve Fai's problems.

But he knows Fai better now, and he'll keep working at it.

 

 

 

They don't talk about it. Kurogane overhears Sakura trying to pry into Fai's business, and Fai pulls his walls up so high he never once stops smiling that day. That night, Fai turns his back to Kurogane, and pushes his ass up, a plea to be beaten.

Kurogane swallows. He stares down at Fai's slender, pale body, at the shirt that clings to his arms, the pants that hug his legs. Then he grabs Fai's cheek, squeezes it through his pants, and Fai gasps. Then Kurogane slaps his ass, and Fai's pushing up at him, his pants growing tight, his breaths staggering.

Kurogane doesn't know how to stop this, or if Fai will ever heal. If he breaks Fai further, will Fai recover? Or is that what Fai wants?

He grabs Fai's hair, yanking hard, and Fai gasps, his head tipped back, his throat exposed. And Kurogane shoves his hand down the front of Fai's pants, grab his cock like he's a piece of meat, weighing the thick length in his palm. Fai grinds up against him, his pupils dilated, his body pliant against Kurogane.

"Is that all you have?" Fai whispers, his gaze fixed on the cement walls and wide-open windows—they're in another world now—and Kurogane closes his eyes, wishing he could touch Fai without hurting him.

He presses his nose into Fai's hair, smells the faint scent of soap, the heavier musk of sweat. He brushes his lips over strands of cornsilk (Fai doesn't know, Fai won't know) and slips his hand out of Fai's pants, pulls the zipper open. Then he slaps Fai hard on his ass, yanking Fai's pants down, stripping him bare, and Fai trembles against him, his breaths growing sharp and shallow, a deep red spreading up his neck.

Fai's ashamed. And it makes him hard, like he's guilty about something, and somehow it gives him pleasure, being hurt like this. As though he thinks he deserves this.

Kurogane doesn't know what Fai's done, why Fai wants more and more and ever fucking more of this, but he smacks Fai on the arms, down his thighs, enough to leave angry red marks on his skin. Fai shudders, flinching, and Kurogane smacks his cock, squeezes his balls, shoves him onto all fours.

He pulls his belt off, whips Fai with it, and Fai bites off all his little cries when the leather kisses his skin, leaves scarlet prints like smears of lipstick.

 _Slap, slap, slap._ The sounds go on and on, loud in the empty room, and Fai's skin reddens—his arms, his back, his thighs and his calves, and Kurogane makes sure he doesn't hit the vital spots. Then he strokes himself to hardness, thinking about better days, and kneels in front of Fai, shoves his cock past Fai's lips.

"Take it, you worthless slut," Kurogane growls, shoving down his throat.

Fai chokes on him, tears streaking down his cheeks, and Kurogane almost goes soft. He can't do this. He can't keep doing this, hurting Fai, thinking it'll help both of them.

It's quiet for a moment, Fai trying to breathe through his nose, little soft sucking sounds, and Kurogane winds his fingers through soft blond hair, scanning Fai's ruddy skin for cuts.

The door creaks open. Kurogane could've sworn at himself, but maybe he was waiting for this. Waiting for the kids to see this, so one of them can try to convince Fai. He can't. He's tried, and when he did, Fai turned back to the alleys.

He keeps his gaze down, fists his hand in Fai's hair, and thrusts down his throat. Fai chokes, his eyes squinting shut, and someone gasps at the door.

Kurogane can't look at the kids. _He's_ burning with shame, too, his skin three sizes too small. This isn't how he wants to treat someone important. But Fai's nails scrape against tile. He leans in, taking all of Kurogane, and Kurogane holds him there, Fai's nose in his hair, until Fai chokes and his face turns red, and Kurogane releases him, lets him breathe.

The door clicks shut.

Kurogane swallows. Whoever saw it has seen enough, and Kurogane's had enough, too. He knows Fai's triggers by now, knows which words to say to make Fai shudder.

He curls his fingers in Fai's hair, pulls him backward so his spine arches, and leans in, murmuring in his ear, "You think you don't deserve the kids. You think you don't deserve to be treated well. You think you're worthless scum. Guess what? You're right."

Fai freezes against him, his breath rushing out, and his eyes shine with a layer of tears. Kurogane reaches down, touches his straining cock, and knows he's struck a nerve.

Nothing hurts Fai like words do, and Kurogane doesn't know why Fai would give him all this power. Why Fai would stay with him, want Kurogane to say all these hurtful things.

Kurogane trails his fingers up Fai's cock, stroking him, and Fai makes a small, helpless sound at the back of his throat, jerking into his touch.

So Kurogane whispers, "We're better off without you. We'll leave you behind this world, and no one cares if you die."

Fai sucks in a shuddering breath, his entire body quivering, and he's spurting onto Kurogane's hand, warm and wet, his breaths little sharp gasps. He's sobbing, Kurogane realizes, fat tears dripping off his cheeks, and Kurogane wishes he bit his own tongue off, before he said those words.

Fai's voice rises in a soft wail, and it breaks, right before Fai sinks against his chest, and he's shaking, wet spots soaking through Kurogane's shirt, his face lowered so Kurogane can't see how he looks right now.

But maybe he doesn't need to. He knows Fai, and he realizes Fai wants him to care, except he thinks Kurogane _doesn't_ care.

"Idiot," Kurogane growls, sliding an arm around him, pulling him close. "I didn't mean—"

Fai freezes, and then he's jerking away, ducking his head, spinning around.

"Hey, stop," Kurogane says, his breath catching. This isn't how it's supposed to go. But Fai's stepping into his pants, stumbling into a wall, and he's pulling his shirt on haphazardly, tugging it tight around himself. "Idiot!"

Kurogane lunges, snags Fai by the arm, spins him around. Fai looks at the floor, his eyes red, his lips bitten raw.

"Look at me, damn it!" Kurogane catches his chin, tilts his face up, and Fai flinches, scrunches his eyes shut.

So Kurogane leans in, brushes his mouth over Fai's, and Fai's eyes snap open, shocked, terrified, and so very blue.

"No," Fai gasps, backing away, his eyes wet with more tears. "No."

He twists himself out of Kurogane's grip, and he's out of the door before Kurogane can begin to analyze this. Fai wasn't supposed to find out. Kurogane never meant for Fai to find out, and maybe Fai won't return to him for any of this.

The front door slams.

Kurogane's stomach turns to ice. He strides to the room door, flings it wide, and stares at the plain front door. It says nothing, other than Fai's not here. Heart pounding, he turns, and finds the kids staring at him, shock and horror on their faces. Sakura looks away. Syaoran looks at Kurogane's legs, gulps, and Kurogane realizes his cock is still out, slick from fucking Fai.

He swears, yanks his clothes into place, and strides out the front door. The sparse hallway is empty. Fai is gone.

He strides back inside, his heart pattering. "Where'd he go?" he snaps, his chest tight. The kids shrug, their faces pale. As if what they'd seen earlier wasn't enough. They probably think he meant to abuse Fai, and maybe they're right.

Kurogane wants to snarl, wants to break something.

Instead, he turns back, swearing, striding into the kitchen. Sakura's eyes narrow.

Kurogane shoves his hand through his hair. "He wanted it, okay?"

They stare at him, doubt flickering through their eyes, and Kurogane pulls out a chair. He drops heavily into it, feeling unclean, like he should scrub his skin raw.

Most of the story isn't his to tell. Hell, he doesn't even know why exactly Fai wanted to be treated that way, other than he did. "He thinks he deserves it."

"That doesn't mean you should treat him horribly," Sakura says, her eyes burning. Kurogane can't look at her for long, either.

"I tried. It's either that or he finds someone else to do it."

"And you'd rather be the one?" Sakura mutters. "Fai-san treats us with kindness, Kurogane-san. He cooks for us, and he—"

"Don't you think I know that?" He rubs his face. "It's either that, or he goes out into the alleys for other damn bastards. How do you think _they're_ gonna treat him?"

Sakura swallows, closing her mouth. Kurogane regrets pulling her into this. But he doesn't want Fai returning with a broken arm, or a ruptured spleen. He wants Fai to return to them, alive and safe.

"He doesn't think he deserves you three," Kurogane says. "He... doesn't think he deserves dignity. Or respect. Talk to him. Heaven knows I tried."

The kids don't speak. Kurogane leaves the table, guilt weighing down on his shoulders. He shouldn't have said those things to Fai. Shouldn't have kissed him. But that's all done now, and he can't take his words back.

 

 

 

Fai doesn't return for three days.

Kurogane stares at the empty bed Fai had slept in, stays in the living room so he'll know when Fai returns. When Fai still doesn't show up, he trawls through the downtown alleys, trying to find a flash of blond hair.

He doesn't even find the wizard's shadow, and by the end of the third day, his stomach's a tight knot.

He hopes Fai doesn't believe the shit he said. He hopes Fai knows he doesn't want him dead.

He wants to see Fai back with the kids, wants to see him actually smile, and when the clock ticks emptily for the ninetieth hour, Kurogane thinks about striding out again, trying a different part of the dingy streets, until he can shake news out of an unkempt straggler.

He shifts on the couch, listening to the kids' murmur in their own room, and grabs the bottle of booze. It's weak, and it doesn't dull the sting of Fai's absence.

The front door pushes open.

Kurogane freezes, his breath snagging in his throat. His heart's thudding so loud everyone probably hears it.

Fai slips in and shuts the door behind himself, his gaze downcast. Then he turns, eyes flickering around the living room, and freezes. His gaze fixes on Kurogane's arms, his legs, avoiding his eyes. He looks at the door again, like he wants to leave, and Kurogane's too afraid of not seeing him again to move.

Against his instincts, Kurogane turns away, so Fai knows he won't pursue him tonight. Then he waits, and slowly, Fai steps forward, slipping into the bathroom. He shuts the door, locks it, but not before Kurogane glimpses his grimy shirt, the dirt smeared on his skin. No blood. No broken limbs. Fai doesn't _seem_ hurt, and Kurogane relaxes slightly.

He hears the muffled shower spray a few minutes later, and pushes himself off the couch. He knocks on the kids' door, waiting for their conversation to stop. Then he pushes the door open slowly, meeting their eyes.

"He's back," Kurogane says, and the kids straighten, their eyes brightening. Mokona's ears perk up. "He's showering. Talk to him later."

Then he shuts the door and steps out of the apartment, hoping the space he leaves will be enough for Fai.

 

 

 

Fai doesn't feel clean these days. Not anymore, when Kurogane yanks on his hair, tells him just how little he's worth.

Fai needs to hear it. He needs his punishment, needs retribution for all the things he's done, and will do. It's never enough, the way Kurogane beats him, the way Kurogane whispers in his ear, all the little truths Fai needs to hear, the things that peel his heart apart, layer by layer.

It hurts. And Fai clings to the pain, so at least the guilt doesn't suffocate him quite so much. He can breathe through the pain. He can't breathe with the guilt.

And Kurogane has learned. Fai only realizes this when he walks out onto the streets, and the callous touches of faceless men don't hurt as much as he remembers. The faceless men tug at him, tear his clothes off, and Fai feels little. Instead, he remembers Kurogane's words. _No one cares if you die. You think you're worthless scum. Guess what? You're right._

When the tears drip down his face, the men laugh. They think they've caused it, but it's Kurogane's words echoing in Fai's head, his narrowed eyes, the way he turns from Fai, disgust on his face.

Nothing hurts like Kurogane's revulsion, and Fai doesn't know how he'd been getting through those days, avoiding Kurogane's gaze in the day, letting Kurogane hurt him at night.

Kurogane knows Fai's true value, and Fai's terrified of him. Terrified of how else Kurogane can hurt him, except he wants it, too.

He doesn't think about the kiss. It's not a kiss. It's probably a mistake, maybe Kurogane seeing someone else when he kissed Fai. That hurts, too.

Over the past three days, the kiss has haunted his thoughts, over and over. Kurogane's hand on his back. The gentleness of his touch, that Fai wishes were meant for him.

Perhaps he cares for Kurogane, despite everything. Perhaps he respects and values this man, and maybe that's exactly why he wants Kurogane to deal that punishment. So it hurts even more.

And that's fine. Except he misses the children, and he wishes he could see them smile again, make food that they'll enjoy eating. He misses Sakura's laugh and Syaoran's honesty, and Mokona's stubby paws when she tries to hug him.

So he returns to the apartment, hoping Kurogane isn't there.

Kurogane's the first person he sees. Except he turns away, and Fai breathes through the knife-sharp ache in his chest. He pads to the bathroom, shuts himself in it. Locks the door. Then he peels his stained clothes away, looking at the bruises on his body, all yellow and purple.

He's still alive. Maybe that counts for something.

Under the scalding water, Fai scrubs his skin clean. If he hugs the children, he doesn't want anything from the streets getting on them. But maybe he shouldn't touch them at all, if he's scum. They saw the way Kurogane treated him. Maybe they'll treat him with the same brutality, and Fai will deserve that, too.

When he steps out of the bathroom, clad in a clean shirt and pants he'd found in the cabinets, he finds no one in the living room. The house is quiet, save for quiet voices in the kitchen.

Kurogane isn't here, he realizes. Maybe Kurogane's disgusted with him, and he's left.

Fai swallows, turning to the kitchen for some water.

Syaoran's the first person he sees. Mokona leaps up from Syaoran's hands, grabbing onto Fai's neck. "We missed you," she whispers, her ears drooping. "Everyone was sad when Fai left."

Fai doesn't believe her, but he strokes her ears, returning the hug.

"We hoped you were eating okay," Syaoran says, his eyes glimmering with concern. "Please tell us before you leave next time, Fai-san."

He seems to mean it, and Fai's throat tightens. "Okay. I'll try."

Syaoran hugs him clumsily, his feet bumping against Fai's. Fai gingerly places his arms around Syaoran. Why would Syaoran even want to touch him?

Over Syaoran's shoulder, he meet's Sakura's eyes, and Sakura's mouth is a thin line, her expression stern. Fai quails, his stomach squeezing. So he's disappointed her, too.

Syaoran slips by him, into one of the bedrooms. Fai doesn't know what to do, or say, to Sakura. Not when she's seen him stripped and raw, Kurogane using him like a toy.

Sakura stands from her chair. She grabs a mug, dispenses some hot water from a flask, and drops a teabag in it. Then she pulls a chair out, waiting for him.

Fai sits, awkwardly, folding his limbs in. What does he say to a daughter who's seen him without dignity?

Sakura sets the mug in front of him, and Fai stares.

"It's for you," she says.

Fai clasps his hand around the mug. It scalds his skin, and he keeps his hands there, wondering how long it'll take for blisters to form.

"Fai," Sakura says, her voice sharp. "It's hot. Don't hold it like that."

He blinks at her, wondering if he should say _I deserve this._ Something must've shown on his face, because her shoulders sag, and she reaches over, digging her fingers between the hot mug, and his. Fai lets it go so she won't get scalded.

"Kurogane-san was right, then," Sakura murmurs, watching him carefully. "You don't... care for yourself."

Fai's insides turn hot and cold. What else did Kurogane tell the children? How much worse do they think of him? His breath catches. "I... I try to."

"You don't, Fai. Not always." Sakura settles into the seat across from him, reaching across the table. She tucks her hands into his, squeezing his fingers. Fai doesn't tell her about his palms on gritty alley walls, about his hands grabbed and shoved down dirty pants. He's scrubbed under his nails, too, but he still feels the remnants of filth on him, of oily skin and sticky wet.

He pulls his hands out of hers.

The mug of tea sits between them, steaming, and he watches the green of tea ooze into the bottom of the mug.

"Why did you let Kurogane-san hurt you?" Sakura asks.

Fai doesn't know how to answer her. There are too many things to explain, too many secrets to reveal, so he stays silent, looking at the papery teabag.

"You're still hurting," Sakura says.

"How are you doing?" Fai asks. "Did you eat well while I was gone? I'm sorry I wasn't here to cook."

Sakura stares hard at him. "We managed. Kurogane-san cooked. Did _you_ eat?"

No, he didn't. He doesn't want to lie to her, so he shakes his head, cringing when her expression falls.

"You can't do that to yourself!" Sakura gets out of her seat, chair legs rattling on tile. Fai reaches out for her.

"No, you don't have to," he says.

"You need to eat." She frowns. "We were all worried. Kurogane-san too."

Fai drops his hands, looking down at the table. Maybe Kurogane was just waiting to tell Fai how terrible he is.

"I think... Kurogane-san might have been right," Sakura says, her voice soft. "You don't treat yourself very well."

He tries to tug his sleeves down, to hide the bruises on his arms. He should've gotten another shirt, one with longer sleeves.

"Fai." Sakura reaches over, sets her hand on his, and her palm's warm and soft, gentle. Fai's throat constricts. He doesn't deserve her concern. Maybe he shouldn't have returned to the apartment at all.

"I'm sorry," he says, his voice raw.

"No! Don't be sorry." Sakura stands, rounding the table. She slides into the seat next to his. Then she takes his hands in hers again, and Fai doesn't have the strength to pull away. "Please, Fai-san. We were worried about you. Everyone wants you to get better."

"Get better?" He laughs this time, surprised. What is better? How would he get better? By death? "How?"

"By not letting Kurogane-san treat you that way. By taking care of yourself."

She still doesn't understand, does she? Not like Kurogane does. "I'm a terrible person, Sakura-chan. I'm sorry I haven't told you that before."

"You're a good person!" She narrows her eyes. "Please don't talk about yourself like that again. You're important to all of us. Especially Kurogane-san. He was waiting up for you the past three days."

Fai cringes. What does Kurogane want with him, enough to stay up three days for?

"I think he's tired of hurting you," Sakura murmurs, her emerald eyes uncertain. "Please give him a chance to... to..."

She swallows, and Fai drags his gaze up from the mug. "To...?"

Sakura licks her lips, her cheeks turning a light shade of rose. "He wants to care better for you, I think. But he hasn't said this. It's just... something Syaoran-kun and I figured out."

Fai has his doubts. The children haven't seen Kurogane in the bedroom, haven't heard the little whispers in his ear. But he nods, just so Sakura won't worry about him. "Okay."

"Really?" She peers at him. "You promise?"

His stomach twists. Promises sound ominous. "Promise to do what?"

"Let Kurogane-san care for you. In the way he wants to."

On the surface, it sounds easy enough. Kurogane has been treating Fai however he wants. If Fai gives him free reign, then maybe he'll hurt Fai more. It should be a good thing.

But Sakura wants him to promise her this, and it feels like a trap, somehow. Like there's something he doesn't know, and she does.

She holds her pinky out. Fai links his finger with hers, holding his breath. He'll do anything for Sakura.

"Promise me you'll think better of yourself," she says.

Fai gulps. Maybe in the next ten years. "I'll try."

"Promise me you'll let Kurogane-san care for you."

"I—I promise."

She smiles then, wanly, and pulls him into a tight hug. "We care about you," she whispers in his ear. "All of us. We want you to be happy."

Fai doesn't remember what it's like to be happy, but he winds his arms around her, holding her so she knows he cares. "Okay."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?"

Fai nods. He doesn't know how, but maybe Kurogane will have answers.

 

 

 

Kurogane sleeps in the couch that night. Fai only discovers it when he wakes up to an empty bedroom, and finds Kurogane stretched out in the living room, his cheek cradled in his hand.

Fai's chest tightens. Kurogane shouldn't look so good when asleep. Not when he wakes, too, but Fai can't help thinking about him, the fullness of his lips, the slant of his jaw. He remembers Kurogane's fingers, his rumbling voice, and turns away, his stomach flipping.

Kurogane hates him. Why would he wait up for Fai?

Fai inches toward the bathroom. When he steps out, his hands damp, Kurogane's awake on the couch, sitting up, his eyes flickering over Fai's body.

Fai feels hot and cold at the same time, and he doesn't know how to react. Kurogane hadn't fucked him last night.

He steps into the bedroom, and his heart stutters when Kurogane steps in behind him, locking the door.

So they haven't done this in the mornings. That's fine. He promised Sakura he'd let Kurogane do whatever he wants.

For minutes, they stand in the room, Kurogane at the door, Fai at the bed, Fai refusing to look at him. He braces himself for razor-sharp words, and pain and humiliation.

"The princess said you'd stop running," Kurogane murmurs.

That wasn't what Fai promised. "I said... I'd let you do whatever you want."

Another pause. "If I do, you promise not to run?"

Fai winces. How much worse will Kurogane think of him, if he hurts Fai even more? "I promise," he says, remembering Sakura. "I won't run."

If it hurts enough, he wouldn't even think about fleeing.

Kurogane steps closer, soft footfalls on smooth tile. Fai holds his breath. Kurogane stops inches behind him, the heat of his body radiating through the space between them. Fai expects a sharp slap, or a yank on his hair, or rough hands on his hips.

"Turn around," Kurogane says.

Fai anchors his gaze to the floor, and shuffles around. He can't meet Kurogane's eyes.

Kurogane stares at him for half a minute. Fai counts the seconds until the first word lands, but it doesn't happen. He glances down at Kurogane's hands. No weapons. He has his belt, but he's not touching it yet.

Kurogane curls his fingers around Fai's arm, lifting his sleeves to expose his bruises. He inspects Fai's biceps, his underarms, then his neck. Fai realizes that Kurogane might be looking for the marks other men left, but he can't remember which was from whom.

"Any injuries?" Kurogane asks.

Fai shakes his head.

There used to be a time a long while ago, when Fai would dream of being capable, of Kurogane looking up to him, admiring him, his words, his finesse with weapons and problems.

Now, Kurogane has seen Fai at his worse, has stripped him and used him and slapped him like a whore, and Fai... has no dignity left in front of Kurogane, not anymore.

He wishes he had dignity left. He wishes he was someone close to Kurogane's equal, someone Kurogane would be proud of to have. He isn't.

So he stands in front of this man, his shoulders sagging, wondering what Kurogane could possibly want with him.

Kurogane touches his callused fingers to Fai's chin, lifting his face up. "Look at me," he says.

Fai winces. He can't look at Kurogane, not knowing what he'll find in those red eyes. He settles for looking at Kurogane's mouth, the jut of his lower lip, that Fai sometimes thinks about. He knows those lips are soft, has heard the hurtful words falling from them.

"Hey," Kurogane says quietly. "Look in my eyes."

Fai swallows. But it's a command, and maybe Kurogane has thought up a new way to hurt him this time. So he meets those scarlet eyes, his heart beating slow with trepidation.

In Kurogane's eyes, Fai sees an aching sadness, maybe regret. Why would Kurogane be sad? He should be disgusted, or scornful.

Instead, Kurogane kisses him.

It happens in a quick dip of his chin, a slight lean forward. Kurogane tilts his face, slants his mouth over Fai's, and Fai's thoughts wipe blank.

For a moment, neither of them moves. Kurogane pauses, his lips pressed softly against Fai's, sliding just a fraction. His eyes are open, though, and he's watching Fai. Like he expects Fai to react. Fai doesn't know what to think about this, other than it's wrong. This is wrong. Kurogane's supposed to hurt him, but this isn't it.

He finds his voice. "Is this supposed to hurt, too?"

Kurogane freezes, sucking in a sharp breath. Fai leans away, ducking his head. No, he's not supposed to speak. He doesn't want Kurogane to hate him even more. Or maybe Kurogane does need a reminder.

"No, this isn't supposed to hurt," Kurogane says, narrowing his eyes.

Fai flinches. So maybe Kurogane knows he wants to be hurt, and maybe Kurogane thinks Fai's a piece of filth.

Kurogane reaches around him. Instead of a sharp spank, strong arms wrap around Fai's back, pull him up against Kurogane's chest. His chest is sturdy and solid, a strong wall of muscle, and Fai... hasn't been held like this, someone dwarfing him in an embrace. Kurogane's heat soaks through his clothes, seep into his skin, and it's... comforting. Safe.

None of this is supposed to feel safe.

Fai thinks of his brother's blank eyes, of his twin's drying blood and the cracked skin stretched over his gaunt cheeks, and a well of hatred rises up in his throat. He needs to pay for that. He hasn't been hurt enough.

He needs to leave, needs to find someone else to hurt him, because Kurogane isn't doing that right now.

Fai leans away, trying to pull out of the embrace.

"Stay, damn it!" Kurogane mutters. He pulls Fai close, his arms squeezing so tight around Fai's chest that Fai almost can't breathe.

Maybe it's a different kind of punishment. Maybe Kurogane's trying to lead him into complacency, and then he'll hurt Fai. That'll cut deeper. It's so cruel that Fai stills, shocked at the possibility of it, the viciousness. It'll be exactly the sort of hurt he deserves, for a traitor like him.

So Fai relaxes against Kurogane, waiting for pain. He swallows, his heart thudding slow against his ribs, and he holds himself together, closing his eyes. There'll be pain. He'll trust Kurogane to deliver it.

Kurogane strokes his hand up Fai's spine, up the back of his head, his fingers tangling in Fai's hair. He traces his fingertips against Fai's scalp, following the shell of his ear, and he's pressing his lips to Fai's forehead.

He kisses Fai there, then down his nose, and Fai waits, holding himself gingerly, knowing Kurogane will hurl him at the floor, maybe step on his back. He hasn't done that before.

Kurogane kisses his eyelids. Then his cheeks, and his mouth, and Fai waits, his breaths coming sharp and shallow.

Waiting is difficult. He doesn't know when the first strike will land, and maybe that's a little worse than being in pain.

"Relax," Kurogane says, rubbing his shoulders.

Fai nods, but he doesn't relax.

"I'm not gonna hurt you," Kurogane says.

Fai nods again. Betrayal is something that will hurt—Kurogane knows that. He's luring Fai into it now, and then there'll be pain. Maybe Fai should assume Kurogane's truly being nice. That way, when Kurogane turns around and lashes him, he'll be all the more hurt by his lies. Remarkable, actually, Kurogane using Fai's tactics against him.

So Fai whispers, "You're learning from me."

Kurogane stills, his lips on Fai's temple. "What do you mean?"

"I didn't think you'd seen through me. The betrayal."

"What betrayal?"

And Kurogane's better than Fai thought. Fai laughs, a low, raw sound. "Getting me to trust you," he says. "Then when I lower my guard, you'll turn around and lash me, and that'll hurt the most."

Even more than _You should die._

"I didn't think you found out," Fai whispers. It feels like a great weight easing off his chest. He doesn't know how Kurogane knows, but maybe he's let it slip somehow, in between Kurogane's beating and his own delirious begging. Kurogane never stopped with those lashings, even when Fai said no, and that had hurt in all the right ways. "I thought you'd kill me for it, but maybe this punishment is better."

Kurogane tenses against him. "I'm not gonna hurt you," he says. "Regardless of whatever betrayal crap."

Fai laughs. "I'll believe you. That's what you want, isn't it? Then it'll hurt more. I know what that's like."

"Shit," Kurogane says. He yanks Fai close, suddenly, cradles the back of his head. "No, that's not what this is. This isn't punishment."

But it's funny, because he seems so honest, and the thought of Kurogane lying to him, succeeding at it... Fai huffs a breath, relaxing a little. He hasn't seen this from Kurogane before, and he doesn't know how Kurogane's doing this. "You lie so effortlessly."

"I'm not fucking lying," Kurogane says. "Damn it!"

Fai smiles. It's all supposed to lure him into a sense of security. He knows that now, and it's easier. He leans into Kurogane, waiting for the next slap, the signal that more pain will come.

"Gods, I'm not lying." Kurogane pulls away from him, peering into Fai's eyes. Fai looks up at him, and Kurogane frowns, his lips a thin line.

"No one hurts me like you do," Fai whispers. "Thank you."

Red eyes grow wide. "You think I'm gonna hurt you," Kurogane mutters, his hands tightening on Fai's waist.

Fai nods. "But don't tell me when. Then it'll be more painful."

"Gods." Kurogane stares at him, like he can't decide whether he wants to hurl Fai across the room, or pull him closer. "No, damn it. I'm not gonna hurt you."

"I had no idea you were this good at lying," Fai says. "I can almost believe that you aren't going to hurt me."

"Because I'm not!"

For a long while, Fai studies Kurogane, trying to decide how Kurogane can possibly prove himself wrong. That he isn't going to hurt Fai at all. If Kurogane hits him now, then maybe they'll continue with the usual hair-pulling, the little words that slide between Fai's ribs. If Kurogane doesn't hurt him... then it'll come at some point in the future, and Fai will wait patiently for it, knowing the pain of betrayal will hurt the most.

Kurogane presses his lips together. Then he sighs, leaning his forehead against Fai's. "Will you believe me if I hurt you, then?"

"Probably," Fai says. He looks at the dirty tiled floor, and the bed behind them. "You know what to do."

Kurogane closes his eyes. He knows what Fai wants. Fai wants to be beaten and raped and reduced to something worse than a carcass, and Kurogane knows how to bring him there.

"You don't deserve all that pain," Kurogane murmurs, cracking his eyes open.

Fai looks at his feet. "You know I do, Kuro-sama. Please don't try to spare my feelings."

"If I said I don't want to see you hurt, are you gonna believe that?"

Fai shakes his head, his mouth twitching with amusement. Kurogane, refusing to see him hurt? Really?

"You'll believe me if I hurt you."

Fai trusts Kurogane to deal him pain. Past that, Fai isn't sure. "Maybe."

Kurogane shuts his eyes, and the next breath he takes is a long sigh. "I shouldn't have started this," he says. It sounds as though he's talking to himself, but Fai doesn't know if Kurogane meant for him to hear it.

When he opens his eyes, Fai reads resignation, and resolve. "The usual," Kurogane says. "Then you'll listen."

Fai doesn't know what else there is to hear, but he nods. He'll receive pain now. He'll always deserve that.

"Turn around," Kurogane says. "Hands on the wall."

A thrill shoots down Fai's spine. He steps over to the wall next to the bed, braces himself. His feet are apart, his head is down. Kurogane steps over, his footfalls quiet, and each soft pad sends blood rushing to Fai's groin.

Kurogane shoves his fingers into Fai's waistband, knuckles hard against the small of Fai's back.

Then he yanks, hauling Fai's hips toward himself, and a heavy palm cracks sharply down on Fai's ass, stinging past the fabric of his pants. Fai gasps, pain darting down his nerves. Kurogane reaches around him, pushes his fingers down the front of Fai's pants.

Fai's hard in seconds. There's probably something wrong with him, but he doesn't care at this point. There's plenty wrong with him, plenty to hate. He doesn't deserve any dignity.

Kurogane grabs his cock roughly, then his balls. He rubs fingers under Fai's sac, nudging his balls, then wraps his fingers around them, squeezing tighter and tighter, until it feels like a punch in the gut.

Fai chokes and trembles against him, vulnerable, and he's leaking in his pants, painfully stiff.

"Such a whore," Kurogane mutters in his ear, his breath hot on Fai's skin. "Hard when I touch you. Every single time."

Fai's cheeks burn. Yes, he's worth as much as a prostitute, probably less. Kurogane should parade him on the streets, sell him to willing men. Let other people invade his holes.

Kurogane shoves Fai's pants down, leaving his ass bare, his cock jutting out. The first slap lands on his cheek, sharp and painful. Then the next, and the next, and the whole time Kurogane slaps his ass, he whispers in Fai's ear, "I expected you to be better. You're just a filthy slut, hard for any bastard. How many men did you sleep with? Ten? Fifty? How many shot cum up your hole? All of them?"

His fingers push between Fai's tender cheeks, seeking out his hole, and Kurogane pushes a finger in dry, probing him roughly.

Fai gasps and drips, his cock jerking. Yes, he wants Kurogane inside. Yes, he doesn't care if Kurogane fucks him dry. Fai deserves it.

Kurogane's finger swirls around, each movement accentuated by his unlubed skin, invasive. He pushes up against Fai's prostate, sending a jolt of pleasure up Fai's spine. Fai shudders, a tiny moan falling from his lips.

"All I have to do is touch this," Kurogane mutters, pushing on his prostate. A jolt sears through Fai, and his spine arches. "Doesn't matter who I am. Rub this, and you'll cum for the bastard fucking you. Shameless."

Kurogane grinds his finger on Fai's prostate, and Fai's nails scrape against the wall, his body shaking under the pleasure of Kurogane's touch. Fai's worthless. Kurogane knows that by now.

"I had higher hopes," Kurogane says. He pulls his finger out, slides in two. Still dry. Fai's skin protests with a hint of pain, and Kurogane jams his fingers in and out, uncaring. "Thought you might be better. But you walk out and take anyone's cock. A dog could fuck you, and you'd spread for it."

Fai's cheeks burn. If Kurogane wants a dog fucking Fai, then Fai would let it happen, too. Let it cum inside him, because that's all Fai's body is.

"Just a set of holes," Kurogane murmurs, stretching his ass open. Then he slides his fingers out, and Fai makes a little, desperate noise in his throat. He needs more. This isn't enough pain. Behind him, he hears the rasp of Kurogane's zipper, hears the soft rustle of cloth when Kurogane reaches into his own pants, pulls out his own cock. Then Kurogane strokes himself hard, and he doesn't move away.

Fai gulps. Kurogane's going in dry this time, and it'll hurt. And his cock aches with the anticipation of it, precum dripping down his underside. His hole squeezes.

But Kurogane spits, and he smears it over his cock, the slick sounds of it sliding into Fai's ears, shooting right down between his legs. He likes Kurogane's cock. He likes it down his throat, likes it slapping his face. Likes it shoving up into his ass, unapologetic, invading him.

Kurogane hefts Fai's hips backward, onto the blunt point of his cock, and spits again. Then he shoves his spit-slick fingers up into Fai's ass, slicking him up, and he pulls Fai back onto his cock, penetrates him in one swift stroke.

Fai's body opens around him. Kurogane's cock is always big, a presence inside him he can't ignore, and he feels every inch as it slides in, all the way to the hilt. Kurogane grunts, one arm locking across Fai's chest, and he fucks in hard, his skin catching on Fai's, rubbing up against Fai's prostate.

"Does it hurt?" Kurogane whispers, sliding in, bottoming out. It begins to sting a little—spit isn't enough for this.

"Yes," Fai says, because it's what Kurogane wants to hear. And it's also the truth.

"Good," Kurogane says, like he cares only for his own pleasure, and Fai's chest squeezes. Of course Kurogane doesn't care for Fai. Why would he?

It makes him harder somehow, and Fai gasps, his throat tight.

"Shut up." With his other hand, Kurogane reaches for Fai's cock. "No one wants to hear you. Not some worthless mage who can't save his own life. The kids don't even want to see you around."

Fai's heart twists. He should remember that. No one wants him around. "Really?"

"No one noticed when you were gone," Kurogane mutters, his cock shoving into Fai, a thick, solid length. "Finally some peace and quiet."

Fai tenses, his chest hurting. The children didn't care. And Kurogane wanted him gone.

"I would've gone elsewhere for a hole," Kurogane mutters, his cock pumping into Fai, a reminder that Fai doesn't have control over this, that Fai's body is just for Kurogane to use. "We'll leave you behind this world."

It's so easy to believe that. The children don't want him around. Kurogane thinks Fai isn't worth enough. And they're all right to think that. Fai's throat tightens. He'd hoped that the children would like him, that Kurogane could tolerate him, but this... He thinks about the children's disappointed expressions, about Kurogane scowling at him, knowing Fai is just a fraud. There's no space for him here.

"You thought about dying?" Kurogane says. Maybe there's an odd inflection to his voice, but Fai's probably imagining it. Kurogane slows down his thrusts, and Fai feels every inch of his cock inside, invading his body, using him like a toy. He strokes along Fai's cock, his calluses catching on Fai's skin. "No one will notice if you're gone."

Fai really is worthless. Of course Kurogane wouldn't miss him if he were dead. Kurogane's handsome and clever and strong, and he has the children to worry about, has other things to do besides cleaning up Fai's messes. He's just using Fai now because Fai's a convenient set of holes, one that fits his cock, is just tight enough to milk his cum.

"Really?" Fai gasps, his cock aching in Kurogane's hand. Of course no one wants him. He has no dignity left, and Kurogane will never respect him. It's a pipe dream, and Kurogane's pumping inside him, using him like a slut. His throat tightens. If there was ever one thing he wanted, it was Kurogane's respect.

He's harder than ever, the tip of his cock a deep purple-red, and every brush of Kurogane's fingers sends pleasure through his flesh. Kurogane's cock drives him forward, fucking Fai's cock into his fist.

Fai doesn't deserve the pleasure. Kurogane thrusts into him anyway, whispering, "Maybe you shouldn't have been born," and it feels like a knife sliding in Fai's chest, a jolt of something sharp tearing him into slivers.

Kurogane squeezes Fai's cock, and Fai can't breathe. His cock is throbbing, his lungs on the verge of collapse. And the tension in his body winds and winds and winds.

"I hate you," Kurogane says, fucking in deep, and Fai's coming, his body jerking, his muscles clenching, and he's shaking and sobbing and he can't see, not when his vision's a mess of tears.

Kurogane hates him. Kurogane hates him. The words play on repeat inside his mind, and Fai wants to curl up into a little ball, wants to bury himself and drown and die.

Something around him tightens. Fai barely registers Kurogane slipping out, but he does notice a wall of heat, arms pulling him upright. He's facing a blank wall, warm arms curled around him, and something puffs damp and hot in his hair.

Kurogane hates him. It shouldn't drag all the suppressed loathing out of his heart, but it does. Fai can't stop his tears, can't stop his shaking. There's a soft, keening noise coming from somewhere, and it isn't until a while later that he realizes it's from him, and his nails are biting into his skin, his nose stopped up.

Fai hates himself so much he can't breathe, and it clogs his nose all the way to his lungs. He breaks. He wishes it wasn't right in front of Kurogane.

When his sobbing subsides, Fai blinks at the wall, looks down at the tanned arms holding him.

He doesn't know what just happened, only that his body hurts, and his chest feels like an empty cavern, like something's been ripped out of him. Kurogane hates him. Of course he won't care if Fai is dead.

And somehow, that thought hurts the worst.

Kurogane turns him around. He holds Fai against his chest, presses Fai's face in his shoulder, and Fai can hardly breathe through his snot and tears.

He doesn't know why Kurogane's doing this. Why Kurogane's still holding on to him. Maybe Kurogane's waiting for another chance to hurt him—that'll explain his proximity. So Fai waits, cradling his heart, waiting for the next blow to fall.

"Will you listen now?" Kurogane asks.

Fai jerks his shoulders. Then he nods, in case Kurogane didn't catch that.

"I don't hate you," Kurogane says.

Fai stiffens. "But—"

"You wanted to hear that. You've been wanting to hear a shitload of things I don't mean, you idiot, and I've been saying them so you'd stay."

He shakes his head. It isn't that way. He's never tried to make Kurogane say anything. Maybe he's tried to find the person who can hurt him most, but... it's not something he forced Kurogane to do. "I didn't," Fai croaks.

Kurogane sighs. "That's what you say. But if I say anything else, you'd leave."

Fai should leave. Kurogane has probably had enough of him. He tries stepping away, but Kurogane pulls him back, holds him against his chest.

"Don't go," he says.

 _Why would you want me to stay if you hate me?_ Fai swallows, feeling like a shattered glass newly put back together. He thinks back to Kurogane shoving him against the wall, and realizes Kurogane hasn't had his release yet. And that would explain everything. Of course Kurogane hasn't had enough.

"I don't want you to die," Kurogane says.

Fai jerks back, his thoughts swirling. "What?"

"I don't want to see you dying. Or hurt. Or anything." Kurogane narrows his eyes. "You think I wanted any of this. The past five months."

Is he talking about this because he still needs to fuck Fai? Fai looks down between them, but Kurogane has gone soft. He gulps, reaches down to stroke him.

Kurogane catches his wrist, pulling his hand away, and Fai realizes that Kurogane might not even need him now. His throat tightens. He turns, needing to leave, needing to get away from here.

"Stop leaving, damn it," Kurogane says, his arms tightening around Fai. "Stay and fucking listen to me."

"What's there to listen?"

"Everything." Kurogane narrows his eyes. "I don't want you to die. I don't want you to leave. I don't want you walking out on the streets looking for men to fuck."

Then where will Fai get his punishment? "They hurt me," Fai says, his voice raspy. "But you hurt me better than they do."

He ducks his head, his cheeks burning. Of course Kurogane needed a reminder. Now he'll hate Fai even more, and Fai has this to look forward to the rest of their journey. Or maybe Kurogane will keep his word, leave him behind in this world.

"I don't want to hurt you." Kurogane sighs, closing his eyes, and it only occurs to Fai then, how tired he looks.

"You said I shouldn't be allowed to live," Fai says, his voice cracking. Just that thought is enough to make his chest constrict. "The children didn't miss me."

"They missed you, damn it. The princess stayed up half the night, and the kid wanted to go out to search for you."

Fai blinks, trying to absorb this. Really? Did Sakura wait up for him? Did Syaoran want to look for him? His lip trembles, and he sucks in a shuddering breath. "I don't—don't understand why they'd do that."

"Because they care for you."

"You said—"

"I said the things you wanted to hear. Not the things that actually happened."

Carefully, Fai lifts his gaze, slowly meeting Kurogane's eyes. He needs to know if Kurogane's lying again, in that amazing way he did. Red eyes stare down at him, steady, honest. Fai's throat tightens. Kurogane means so much to him, and he doesn't believe that Kurogane's still holding him. "You hate me."

"I don't hate you."

"You said—"

"Most everything I said was a lie," Kurogane says, his eyes shadowed. "You deserve everything good, you idiot. And I'll sit here and tell you that a thousand times, if it'll make you listen."

"It's... not a lie? To lure me into a trap?"

Kurogane sighs, his hand cupping the back of Fai's head. "It's not a lie. It's not any kind of betrayal."

Fai's thoughts whirl. Kurogane hates him. Kurogane wants him to die. He still remembers the sting of Kurogane's slaps, the hours and hours of humiliation, and pain, and words that have carved ruts into his heart.

"You're lying," Fai says. "At some point, I'll believe you, and then you'll hurt me again. And I should be happy about that. I need to be hurt."

For a long moment, Kurogane watches him, his eyes dark. "I don't care what you've done in the past," he says. "You don't deserve to be hurt."

Bitter laughter rumbles out of Fai's throat. "That's because you haven't seen what I've done."

Kurogane swallows, licking his lips, like he's debating whether to tell Fai things.

Then, in a low voice, he says, "My family died when I was fifteen. While I waited outside my mother's prayer room, she was murdered with a sword in her chest. Her spells around Suwa fell apart, and my father lost her protection. The demons ate him. Then they ate the rest of the village."

Fai tries to imagine Kurogane when he was fifteen, facing the death of first his mother, then his father. And the rest of his people. Kurogane doesn't deserve that. He's a good man, and to experience all that... It's not fair.

"I could've stopped them," Kurogane says, his gaze locked on Fai's. "I should've been in the room with my mother. I should've been out on the field fighting alongside my father. I should've protected my village before the demons came along. There's nothing left of Suwa now."

And the resignation in his voice, the calmness, the smothered bitterness... Fai stares at the warrior before him, looking at the jut of his jaw, the silvery scars on his arms. He tries to imagine a much younger Kurogane, one who hasn't had his family ripped away from him. He'd have been like Syaoran and Sakura, all innocent, cheerful. Fai's chest aches for him.

"I wasn't strong enough to protect everyone," Kurogane murmurs, his fingers stroking through Fai's hair. "But I'm strong enough now."

"It wasn't your fault," Fai says, meaning it. At fifteen, he can't possibly expect Kurogane to protect an entire village by himself. Kurogane shouldn't have had to suffer through all that pain.

"It doesn't matter what you say," Kurogane tells him, the corner of his lips quirking up. "I'll carry it with me until the day I die."

Fai looks at his hands, at the ugly scars on his fingertips. He knows the sort of agony Kurogane's been through. "You aren't... trying to hurt yourself for it."

Kurogane shakes his head. "It's in the past. It fucking hurts, but nothing I can do will change that. I'll prepare for the future."

In his mind, Fai sees his twin's empty eyes, his uncle's wrathful face, the stares of the palace staff. He remembers Ashura, and the deaths of the people of Celes. "I'm responsible for many things," Fai says. "More than I can ever atone for."

"Regardless," Kurogane says. He wraps his arms around Fai's back, pulls him close, and it feels _safe_ in his arms. Like Fai can relax, and forget about the world for a while. "You have to move on. Living in the past does no one any good."

"So many people have died," Fai whispers, his breath snagging. "Because of me."

"I don't care about that."

"I do. And you need to hurt me, Kuro-sama, not... not this." Kurogane's arms feel like protection, like acceptance, and it's not something Fai will ever deserve.

"I'm gonna be selfish," Kurogane says. Then he dips his head, and kisses Fai on the lips. "I'm gonna show you what you deserve."

Fai gulps, his heart fluttering. It's too intimate, too gentle for someone like him. He still doesn't believe Kurogane's doing this solely from the goodness of his heart. "I should leave."

"You promised the princess you'd do what I want," Kurogane murmurs, and his lips slide against Fai's. "So stay."

There's nothing but patience and acceptance in his voice. Fai sucks in a shuddering breath, caught between his doubts, and his need to believe. He wants Kurogane to feel something for him other than contempt. "I don't deserve this."

Kurogane's hands come up to cradle his cheeks. He kisses Fai gently on the lips, just _holds_ him, and he doesn't even attempt to push into Fai's mouth, or invade his body.

"I care," Kurogane whispers, his rough thumbs brushing down Fai's cheeks, then up, swiping away the tears from his face. "Give me some time, and I'll show you."

Fai trembles, trying to believe that this is some kind of dream. But his ass still stings from before, and Kurogane's fingertips are rough, his lips silky-smooth. Fai opens for him, presses closer, needing comfort.

"I don't believe this," he whispers.

"I know," Kurogane whispers back, and he's easing Fai toward the bed, scooping him up, dropping him lightly onto the mattress. Then he crawls over Fai, straddles him, leaning in to cradle Fai's cheeks.

Kurogane kisses him on the lips, then trails kisses down his jaw, up his cheek. He kisses Fai's forehead, and his eyelids, and down his nose, and Fai still doesn't believe this is happening, Kurogane treating him with kindness.

Kurogane unbuttons Fai's shirt, one button at a time. Then he presses soft kisses down the skin he exposes, down along Fai's chest. He kisses up to Fai's nipples, brushing the fabric of his shirt away, and Fai's nipples peak under his attention, hard nubs that Kurogane worries with his lips. Pleasure hums through Fai's body.

Then Kurogane kisses back up to Fai's throat, sucking lightly on it, and Fai's spine arches, his cock twitching.

"This is insane," Fai whispers.

"This is how I want to treat you," Kurogane says, his mouth on Fai's skin.

"I don't believe you're talking about this at all," Fai says. "You've never talked about anything."

And Kurogane pulls away, his dark eyes fixed on Fai. "Because we need to talk about this. If we don't, you'll misunderstand for the rest of your life."

"I still don't understand."

Kurogane lifts an eyebrow, as if to say _I told you so,_ and Fai's cheeks burn.

Kurogane splays his hands over Fai's chest, brushes his shirt off his shoulders. Then he lifts Fai's back, tugging the shirt off, so Fai's upper body is naked to him. This feels normal; Fai doesn't blink when Kurogane sees him without clothes now.

Then Kurogane kisses down Fai's arms, to his fingertips, and Fai's throat tightens. "You don't have to do this," he says.

"I want to."

"Why?"

Kurogane looks up from Fai's fingertips, his thumb rubbing over Fai's palm. "Someone needs to treat you nicely."

"So this is pity?"

"No." Kurogane presses a kiss to Fai's palm, then one on his wrist, right over his pulse point. He kisses down Fai's forearm, to his elbow, and over his collarbones, to the little dip between. He licks that, nuzzles down Fai's chest, over his stomach to his navel. Then he kisses that, and down Fai's belly, to his soft cock.

He nuzzles over Fai's hair, down his skin, to his tip, where there's cum drying. He licks the salty, bitter smear off, and hooks his fingers around Fai's waistbands, glancing up. "Okay?"

A huff of laughter escapes Fai's throat. "You're asking me? After... all this?"

"Yeah," Kurogane says. "I want you to have a choice."

And Fai stares at him, his breath rushing out of his lungs. "You can't possibly—"

"Yes, I can." And Kurogane waits, his eyes on Fai, his fingers warm against Fai's hips. Fai's chest squeezes. Kurogane has never given him a choice. Fai doesn't _deserve_ a choice.

"You aren't supposed to care," Fai breathes, his heart beating loudly. This can't be happening. "You hate me."

Kurogane kisses Fai's thigh, up to his navel. "Does this look like I hate you?"

It doesn't.

Fai gulps, and Kurogane trails kisses up his body, over his chest and his throat, back to his mouth. Then he kisses Fai again, gently.

"What does this look like?" Kurogane murmurs, cradling Fai's cheek.

"I don't know," Fai says, his voice cracking. There's no pain at all. "Why would you do this?"

"You still don't understand?" Kurogane murmurs, his breath feathering across Fai's face. He braces his arms on either side of Fai's head, kisses his lips.

Fai trembles. This isn't going as he expected. His hair should be yanked on, his body burning from the lashing. "You liked beating me."

"I didn't," Kurogane says, then sighs. "You're important to me. Okay? I'm tired of hurting you."

"So this..."

Kurogane kisses him on the lips. "Do I have to spell it out?"

Fai shakes his head. He doesn't know, and he can't speak, his throat too tight. "It'll hurt at some point, won't it?"

And Kurogane gathers Fai into his arms, holds him close. Then he kisses Fai's forehead. "I love you, you idiot."

Fai stares, trying to comprehend those words. "What?"

"I'm not saying it again."

"But why...?"

"Because you care for the kids. Because you're an idiot. Because you're you." And Kurogane buries his nose in Fai's hair, just breathing him in.

Fai gapes. Kurogane still hasn't hit him yet, and it's new. Odd. Fai should be flinching with pain by now, but he isn't. "You... love me."

It seems like such a distant concept. Kurogane loves the children. He doesn't show it, but he has a soft spot for them. He loves Mokona, even though she steals his food. Kurogane loves his princess. But Fai...? Fai hasn't done anything worthy of love.

Kurogane glances away, lips thinning, but he doesn't deny it.

Fai's heart thumps. "I don't deserve—"

"Stop that crap about deserving things. I care about you. That's all."

Kurogane kisses his mouth. He slips in slowly, teasing his way in, and Fai reaches out for him, uncertain of what he can touch. He sets his hands on Kurogane's hip. Touches the velvet of his skin, and Kurogane's heat soaks into his fingertips. Kurogane loves him.

When their tongues meet, it's slow, languid, nothing about dominating or giving in. Kurogane touches him once, touches him again, and he retreats from Fai's mouth, as though giving him space. Kurogane loves him. Really? He still can't believe it.

But gods, Fai loves this man, even if this entire thing is twisted in knots. "I—" he says, and stops abruptly. He shouldn't get a say.

Kurogane looks up at him, eyes watchful. "You...?"

Fai gulps. He can't meet Kurogane's eyes, suddenly. This shouldn't be happening. With his words, he'd be throwing a noose around Kurogane's neck, even if he's known the truth for a while. "I... feel things."

"What things?" Kurogane hasn't looked away.

Fai wets his lips, suddenly nervous. Kurogane will reject him. They don't know each other that well. Kurogane doesn't know what he's talking about.

They've spent months in pain, and Fai doesn't believe there was any love to begin with, at least on Kurogane's end. How do you love someone you scorn?

"Nothing," Fai says, remembering Kurogane's voice in his ear, the little words that have broken him over and over. _The kids don't care about you. You don't deserve to live. I hate you._

"It's not nothing."

"It is."

"If it were, you wouldn't be this stiff." Kurogane rubs his hands down Fai's sides, leaning into the bed. He hooks an arm around Fai's side, turns him so they're facing each other. "What things do you feel?"

Fai's cheeks burn. Why would Kurogane even care what he thinks? This has to be a lie, something that Kurogane will use to betray him. But Kurogane's waiting for an answer, and maybe he will use this to break Fai. Fai swallows past the lump in his throat. "I care about you," he says in a tiny voice.

Instead of scoffing, Kurogane's eyes brighten. "Really?"

Fai nods, looking away. Kurogane has been patient. Kurogane's left kisses on his skin, and maybe...

Hope glimmers in his chest, like seeing a candlelight in a window, when he's been lost in the dark, dank forest. If he expects hurt with this truth, maybe... everything else that comes after wouldn't be so bad.

"I love you," Fai blurts. Then he turns away, pulling a pillow over his head, afraid of meeting Kurogane's eyes.

For a long while, Kurogane doesn't touch him. _I knew it,_ Fai thinks, curling into himself, wishing Kurogane would leave.

Then Kurogane wraps his arm around Fai, pulls him close. "Why?" Kurogane asks, his voice muffled from outside the pillow. "I've abused you."

"You've given me something important," Fai mumbles, curling further into himself. "I'm grateful for that."

"Fuck," Kurogane says. "I screwed up. It's not something you should be grateful about."

Fai shrugs.

Kurogane sighs, shuffling closer, the mattress indenting under his weight. He slips his fingers under the pillow, then pauses. "Can I lift this?"

"You don't have to ask," Fai says.

"I want to. I want you to know you have a choice," Kurogane murmurs, and Fai wonders what his face must look like right now. "It's fine if you say no. I want you to say no when you feel like it. Okay?"

"I don't des—"

"Yes, you deserve a choice." Kurogane tightens his grip on the pillow. "Can I lift this?"

Fai wants to say no, just because he doesn't deserve to see Kurogane's face this close, when Kurogane's trying to give him everything but pain. But a little part of him wants to say yes. He wants to see Kurogane. He wants Kurogane closer, and he... shouldn't be allowed the things he wants. If he wants to say no, does that count as something he wants, even if it goes against what he _does_ want?

"I don't know," Fai says.

"Can I look at you?"

Fai swallows, his heart thudding. "Yes."

Kurogane lifts the pillow slightly, and Fai sees the blank walls of the room first. Then, Kurogane's mouth, his nose, his eyes, and Fai can't breathe.

He loves Kurogane so much, and he doesn't know what to do with any of his feelings.

Kurogane meets his eyes. He watches Fai, and Fai watches him back. Then Kurogane leans in, so there are inches between their faces, Kurogane's breath on his skin.

"Promise me you won't go out to find more men," Kurogane says.

Fai winces. "Does that mean you'll hurt me? I'm... I'm fine with that."

Kurogane swallows. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Then I cannot make that promise."

Because no matter what Kurogane says, Fai still needs his punishment. He needs to feel like he's stomped on at the bottom of a pit, needs to feel like he's worth nothing. Kurogane can deal with his past. Fai can't. And so Fai can't be as strong as Kurogane is, refusing hurt.

Kurogane sighs, regret flashing through his eyes. "So if I promise to hurt you, you won't go out for those men."

Fai nods. That seems like a good promise.

"In return, if I hurt you... you'll stay and let me clean you up after."

Fai's instinctive response is to say _No._ But Kurogane's touch is comforting. Kurogane kissing him, touching him gently... It's different. Nice. And maybe Fai enjoys it more than he'll let himself admit. He gulps. "Okay."

"Good."

Kurogane gathers Fai up into his arms, pulling him close. He holds Fai against his chest, and, slowly, Fai curls his fingers into Kurogane's shirt. Touches the firm heat of Kurogane's skin. He's wondered about this before, touching Kurogane luxuriantly, with no consequences to his actions.

Slowly, he follows Kurogane's waist to his back, to his spine, and up his smooth, scarred skin. This feels real. It shouldn't be, but Kurogane breathes against him, still holding him close, and Fai touches Kurogane's back, then back around to his chest, over his pectorals and his abs. He feels good. Strong, sturdy. He hasn't moved away yet, but he will soon, and Fai touches Kurogane while he still can.

He rubs his fingers over Kurogane's nipples, touches his bicep, then his forearm, and the weathered skin of his hands.

"Do you believe it now?" Kurogane asks.

"Maybe," Fai says. He strokes up to Kurogane's clavicles, to his throat and his jaw, and Fai tries not to meet his eyes, just in case. He runs his fingertips over Kurogane's lips. Kurogane kisses them, and Fai's heart skips.

There's still no pain. He doesn't know what to make of this, except touching Kurogane is a comfort. If he focuses on Kurogane's skin, on his heat, Fai can afford not to think. And that's safety there, too.

He runs his fingers through Kurogane's hair, then along his ears, down to his shoulders. He squeezes Kurogane's arms, strokes his palm, matches their fingertips together. The whole time, Kurogane watches him.

"Anytime you want to do this, you don't have to ask," Kurogane says.

"But you asked me when you—" Fai gulps "—wanted to touch me."

"I want to return that power to you," Kurogane says. "What I've done to you, you can do to me."

Fai blinks, thinking back to stinging pain, sharp slaps, and cruel words. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Doesn't matter if you do or don't. But you're allowed to. That's all I want you to know."

Fai's throat tightens. He can't imagine unleashing all that Kurogane has done back on him. Kurogane is a good man—he doesn't deserve it. But Kurogane _offered,_ and that means the most. "Oh."

"C'mon." Kurogane straightens, and sits Fai up along with him. Then he helps Fai off the bed, pulls his pants straight, and zips him up.

"Why...?"

"Shower," Kurogane says.

He unlocks the door, and Fai follows him out, still in a daze. In the kitchen, the children peer at them, then turn their heads away when they catch Fai looking. Syaoran's ears flush a bright red. Kurogane snorts, and they head into the bathroom without another word, Fai's hand in Kurogane's.

In the shower, once the door's locked, Kurogane asks. "You're really not hurt? From those three days."

Fai shakes his head. "No."

Kurogane undresses Fai, swift, efficient movements that get his shirt unbuttoned, his pants rustling down to his feet. Then Kurogane strips, and Fai's throat goes dry. Maybe they'll be back to the punishments.

But Kurogane turns the shower on, tests the water. Then he nudges Fai into the shower, squeezes in with him. It's cramped, meant for one person. Kurogane grabs the soap, slowly lathers Fai's hair, firm fingers on his scalp. This has never happened before, either, and Fai doesn't know what to make of it. But it feels good. Comforting. And Kurogane doesn't mind when Fai steps closer, hiding his face, pressing himself to Kurogane's chest.

"I don't expect this to change soon," Kurogane murmurs. "If—if you want, I can still hurt you. But this will happen after every time."

He washes Fai's ears, then his neck, and his shoulders. His palms smooth over Fai's arms, his chest, down his sides. Then he kneels, soaping Fai's thighs, his calves, his feet. Somehow, by the time he gets to Fai's groin, Fai's half-hard, and Kurogane doesn't blink. He soaps Fai's cock, too, then his balls, and slips his fingers between Fai's cheeks. Fai's hole quivers against his finger.

Kurogane glances up at him. "You want?"

He nudges at Fai's hole, and Fai gasps, his knees growing weak. His cock pushes up against Kurogane's cheek, and that's his answer, really. But Kurogane waits anyway.

"Yes," Fai says, breathless. He regrets it after, because he doesn't deserve to be treated this well. Kurogane takes Fai's cock into his hot, snug mouth. Fai groans, his hips bucking forward, and Kurogane sucks him in, all the way to the back of his throat. Fai shudders. And Kurogane slides a soapy finger into him, stroking him slow and firm, and Fai needs him, needs more.

Kurogane pulls away, slides his finger out. He's still watching Fai, but there's a little smile on his lips now. He soaps himself up, under his arms and between his legs. Then he straightens. He's half-hard, too, and Fai shivers, being so close to him.

He leans back, and Kurogane slips between his cheeks, holds him close. His heat soaks through Fai's skin, warms him up. Then he rinses them both off, dries Fai off with the largest towel he can find.

"Shouldn't this be for you?" Fai asks, eyeing the smaller towel Kurogane drags across his back.

"Nah."

Fai wraps himself up in the towel, reaches down to touch his cock. It's hard for Kurogane. He still can't believe this, but this is really happening, him and Kurogane, and Kurogane loves him.

That, he'll take longer to digest.

They step out of the bathroom in towels, and Kurogane leads him back to the bedroom. Then Kurogane nudges Fai onto the bed, and Fai scoots up to the pillows. Spreads for Kurogane, flushing at the jut of his cock. They'd fucked not too long ago, and here he is, wanting more.

Kurogane looks over him, his gaze warm. Instead of snarling or baring his teeth, he climbs onto the bed, kisses Fai slowly on the lips. Fai kisses back, and Kurogane touches his belly, runs his knuckles down Fai's side. "This is okay?"

Fai nods, pressing closer, pushing Kurogane's hand onto his cock. Kurogane grasps him, strokes, and he's looking down at Fai, at the foreskin slipping off his tip, at the flushed skin he exposes with each stroke. Then he kisses down Fai's body, down his sternum and his midriff, to Fai's cock.

Kurogane kisses his tip, then down his length, to his balls, nuzzling at them, nudging at them with his lips. He sets his palms on Fai's thighs, spreads him open, and noses between his cheeks, licks over his hole. His tongue is a soft, wet touch, lapping right over Fai's sensitive skin, and Fai relaxes for him, groans when Kurogane pushes his tongue in, swirls it around.

It feels like Kurogane's touching him right inside, kissing him where he's vulnerable. Fai trembles, and Kurogane licks up to his balls, taking one into his mouth, sucking lightly on it. Pleasure shoots down his nerves, and Fai gasps.

Then Kurogane licks up his cock, sucks it into his mouth, and Fai realizes there are no words between them. He reads Kurogane from the way his lips curl, satisfied, and from the way Kurogane watches him, his eyes calm, almost fond.

Fai doesn't feel fond right now, when his cock's pushing up, in need of touch. Kurogane grasps him, strokes him slow, and Fai lets Kurogane pleasure him, lets Kurogane climb closer, rubbing his fingertip against Fai's hole. "This?"

Fai nods, his throat dry, and Kurogane reaches for the lube in the drawer, slicks his cock up. It gleams dark and red, and when Kurogane pushes it against his hole, Fai's breath rushes out of him.

Instead of thrusting in sharply, Kurogane eases his cock into Fai, stretching him slow. Fai groans. It's different from everything they've done the past five months. The hair-pulling, the snarling, the loveless words Kurogane left. Now, Kurogane sinks home, and Fai shudders under his attention, Kurogane's touch filled with care.

Kurogane leans in, nipping at Fai's earlobe. "You deserve a second chance," he murmurs, sliding in Fai, his cock pleasurable and thick inside Fai's body, his hips rolling in a smooth rhythm. Fai groans, taking him, and Kurogane kisses his lips, kisses down his throat, sucking lightly on his skin.

"This is—is a second chance?" Fai gasps, his cock pushing up at Kurogane's abdomen, his legs spread wide. And maybe it does feel like a second chance. Whether Fai deserves one, he won't think about it just yet.

"Yeah." Kurogane increases his speed, sliding inside him, and Fai feels his touch, firm and careful, the press of his lips sincere. There's still no pain, and Kurogane kisses Fai on the lips, on his forehead, until Fai squirms beneath him, needing more.

He winds his fingers in Kurogane's hair, tugs. Kurogane's breath catches, and he looks down at Fai, a question in his eyes.

"Harder," Fai says, and Kurogane smiles again, thrusting in hard. Pleasure jolts in Fai's body. He gasps for breath, and Kurogane pumps steadily inside him, reaching between to stroke Fai's cock, until Fai's writhing and shuddering and dripping, and Kurogane leans in, Fai's cock in his hand. "It feels," Fai gasps, "it feels like you should be saying something."

The past hangs between them for a second. Then Kurogane leans forward, hooks his hand on Fai's shoulder to anchor him down. He thrusts in deep, so deep Fai arches, and whispers in Fai's ear, "I care about you."

It triggers something sharp and hot in Fai, something that makes him shudder, pushes him over the edge. Pleasure crashes over him. He spills hot and thick onto Kurogane, tears welling in his eyes, and Kurogane kisses his mouth, his thrusts growing faster, harder, until he's pounding Fai into the bed. Fai clenches around him, and Kurogane comes in him, growling, his cock pressed deep into Fai.

They pant for a while after that, Kurogane pressing his face down against the pillow by Fai's head. He holds Fai's waist, slides out slowly, and doesn't let go.

"What does this mean?" Fai whispers, hardly daring to look at him. He's never done something so intimate with Kurogane before. He's always thought Kurogane had sights on better people, thought Kurogane despised him. Why else would he have fucked Fai all these months? Why else would he have said all he did?

"It means we're moving forward," Kurogane murmurs, his fingers curling around Fai's waist. "It means I care."

He slides out of Fai, pulling him close, and Fai presses his face into Kurogane's shoulder, breathing in his musk and sweat. "I still... have my doubts."

"That's fine," Kurogane says. "I'll convince you until you believe it."

Fai huffs a laugh, leaning closer. "That's just like you, isn't it?"

"Yeah. And I'm gonna tell you the same things until you stop doubting yourself."

"It's not a lie?" Fai asks, his voice small.

"Not a lie." Kurogane turns slightly, his hair rustling against the pillow. Then he pulls Fai into a kiss, soft and warm, and Fai's eyes well with tears.

"I don't—"

"You do," Kurogane says. "And I'll tell you that as long as I can."

Fai curls into him, tucking his head under Kurogane's chin. He still doesn't believe this. That Kurogane will put up with him, that Kurogane cares for him, maybe even loves him. But it's a hopeful thing to cling onto, and maybe, just maybe, he'll discover that Kurogane was right all along.

 

 

 

Outside the bedroom door, Syaoran and Sakura pull their ears away from the doorjamb, looking at each other.

"Do you think they're okay now?" Syaoran whispers.

Sakura hesitates. She doesn't know most of what has gone on between Kurogane and Fai, but from the quiet murmurs in the room, things have calmed down. And maybe they can finally return to the family they have before. Maybe Fai and Kurogane will heal, and things will be right between them again.

"Yeah," she whispers back.

Mokona hops between them, her long ears perking up. Syaoran pulls Sakura into a hug, and Mokona tucks herself between them, reveling in the relief between the children, and their parents behind the door.

It's a good day.

**Author's Note:**

> ...... yeah. lol. I'd been eyeing that clampkink prompt for months. If you'd read until here, I hope you enjoyed this!


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